I feel like I got the 1-2 punch: no invite for me and hubby knows this is wrong and rude but goes anyway. Dianne MacKay Have you never gotten along? January 15, 2013, 3:56 pm. So if the LW hasnt stole/hit/cheated on the SIL then I think the husband needs to get to the bottom of it. I understand or rather know some of the multi-layered excuses and reasons they give themselves for excluding me from events, but it doesnt make it right. Excluded from SILs Birthday. It sounds like you resent the time and effort that he spends on his family, and that is just really sad. Although, like you said unless it was made blatantly clear that the LW was not invited I would probably have assumed that being his wife I was expected to show up (I guess Im not used to formal invites to birthday partiesusually my friends do evites or emails and one of just says plus 1). TaraMonster How do I talk to my boyfriend about this in the morning (he will most likely come home very late after I go to bed, pretty sure they're going clubbing even though he said he wouldn't). Relationship expert Dr. Gilda Carle cuts through the fluff with her love advice in TODAY.com's "30-second therapist" series. You'll end up regretting it, feeling alone, and probably thinking about how much fun everyone else is having while you're sitting home doing nothing. Where does it say he was EXPECTED to attend? How did she invite your husband, anyway? Making this so about your marriage is weird. Id be curious to hear your SILs side why shes excluding her brothers wife to an important event. His family, his veto, he gets to chose. Since the day you said i do, you are family. But his family has never liked anyone that hes with. 10 blunt-but-loving ways to tell people they're not invited to your wedding While there's no way to make everyone happy, I do believe that there are a few key phrases you can use to let uninvited guests to that you love them, you SO appreciate their interest, but no: they're still not invited. if your the asshole, well, you can take steps to try to change that. But I expect adults to be able to act maturely and not exclude a family member from an invitation for something petty. January 15, 2013, 3:29 pm. You aint gonna be the next Kim and Kanye with a fool like him Nope. female Are you sure youre not invited? They are very similar personalities. There is no time or room in your life for people that do not have regard for your feelings. I have had a really hard year dealing with my abusive family, resulting in depression and anxiety which I have been in therapy for, for a few months now and am making good progress :) I am at the stage now that I'm trying to get out there and socialise more because I admittedly became quite withdrawn and socially anxious this past year as I have been dealing with my personal issues. Essentially, LW is looking for support that her husband should not go NO MATTER WHAT LW MAY HAVE DONE. To illustrate that nothing will come between you? Go to those together. @katie I think that would be the worst thing to do, everything I have read about creating a strong marriage means that the husband should choose the wife or at least they need to come to a decision together and present a united front. just dont go. Theres a lot of pressure there, so combine that with social anxieties, and you have a situation your boyfriend is probably just going to avoid. January 15, 2013, 10:02 am. At all. I would expect him not go to an event hosted by his sibling if I wasnt invited. GatorGirl Login first Otherwise, how does the SIL have the balls to call up her brother, invite him to her b-day party, but, oh, by the way, please make sure you DONT bring your wife she is definitely not invited., temperance New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. Could it possibly in any way be an oversight, or could she have assumed that you two would know you were also invited? When you accidentally bump into him on a night out, he refuses to hold your hand or dance with you. My administration overlooks me and ignores me as well Doing a little recon helps you see if there is a pattern Even at work On the other hand, extending your chest is a good idea for your flirting skills Most of the time flirts just aren't perceived as flirting Most of the time flirts just aren . reader, Xearo+, writes (4 May 2014): A Bossy Italian Wife GatorGirl January 15, 2013, 10:54 am. I've never asked again. My answer remains the same in that the husband should not go, although Id modify it to the SIL and say just dont invite either of them. March 24, 2018, 12:44 am. im totally partying on st. pattys this year!! There are a LOT of reasons it could be justified. January 17, 2013, 1:53 pm. Now in lots of cases this isnt an issue where people use common sense, decency and can function like adults, and that pendulum can swing back and forth pretty easily, but if people dont behave then the problem shouldnt be left to fester At some point he is going to have to choose to stick up for his wife and insist that HIS family is treated a certain way by the rest of HIS family, or not, but he and his wife have to come to some sort of understanding and it doesnt seem like they are anywhere close. God damnit, now I have some work to do. Well, if youre in this situation, you do have some issues to discuss and figure out. January 15, 2013, 2:11 pm. This is really really important, OP!! This shouldnt undermine the entire integrity of you marriage. The whole ten years we have been married she never called him for any events involving his sister or else wise. Addie Pray So if I disagree with my spouse my options are to support him or divorce him? Ended up that after everyone turned out to be pissed (both sides of family, many people bugging the bride and groom) they caved and changed their minds. But yeah I will talk to him about it. January 15, 2013, 11:38 am. If so, then your response should have been "Well, if you don't mind I'd like to go." I see how I may have sounded extreme by saying that my husbands acceptance of this invitation shakes the integrity of our marriage. I cant imagine asking/telling my SO to never go there again. Agreed! Addie Pray Its more so what theyre hiding and why theyre hiding it from you or hiding you from it. To me all it shows his family is that they can still see him whenever they want even if they exclude his wife. Feeling left out is never an easy thing to deal with, so if you weren't invited somewhere, follow these five steps and you're guaranteed to feel better about whatever situation is bothering you. I totally see your point, Addie, but at the same time, even if that is the case, she shouldnt give her SIL more occasion to prove her right. No, Im not expecting him to drop his family. January 15, 2013, 10:56 am. because she is the spouse of someone in the family. Sure, I give my opinion, and sometimes he decides to go along with what Im thinking, but ultimately, I let him deal with his peeps and I deal with mine. Really, hes the only one to feel bad for if you ask me. And she immediately left and filed for divorce? If no obvious reasons come to mind, you may just have to come to the realization that you were left out, for any number of reasons, all of which may be personal. Great response, Wendy! Roommate Stays in Room All Day? it is really fishy. January 15, 2013, 12:18 pm. January 16, 2013, 9:46 am, I still think something about this is odd. This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. I mean, why not say my SIL and I had a terrible fight, or my husbands family has never liked me, orwellsomething? You are married and that makes you family. Why should he estrange himself from his family because you have behaved badly in the past? Look for other signs that hes not fully committed or not as committed as you to the relationship. He shouldnt have to drop his family, no, but he should makes moves to defend his wife & take a stand against unnecessary exclusions (again, IF the reason is anything other than what GG mentioned abovestealing, hitting, etc.). Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. January 15, 2013, 10:39 am. Hes gone down on you once; youve gone down on him no less than eight times. Is he perhaps having an affair with someone there? Struggling to Understand, Contrary to your friends opinions, boyfriend appears to be close enough to his relatives to go to their family eventsbut not with you. Sure, shes a bitch to you, but dont be a bitch back to your husband because shes hurting you. If this was a friend dissing you, Id be all over not letting your husband go. Let your husband go, plan a girls weekend, and take a spa day! It made me feel special. He said "sorry didn't think you wanted to come" and kinda brushed it off. Lianne It was awesome because it was an excuse to get everyone together all at once, AND yes, a couple friends drove in from out of town. Not even to reply to a tweet. January 19, 2013, 12:22 am. Thats right, LW, send along a NICE gift and let the SIL feel totally embarrassed and awkward! (It was rude from where I stand, with the info that was given to me in your letter.) see, if i was the husband in this situation, i would just be like you two are petty idiots and i will have NONE of this drama in my life. All of a sudden it is so important that he is there. 22. lemongrass with a gushy note and an apology that sorry you couldnt make it as if you were actually invited paid for from your husbands credit card, of course! Do you usually decline party invitations or complain about going to them, not having any fun, etc? Mikel Arteta warns Graham Potters reign will be unsustainable if Chelsea keep losing, Justin Bieber abruptly cancels most world tour dates after health scare, Creed III review: Stallone-free debut from Michael B Jordan bashes life into the boxing movie genre, Feast on these incredible snaps from the National Geographic Traveller Photography Awards, Therapy has helped me learn more about myself than I could ever have imagined, Do not sell or share my personal information. Addie Pray How comfortable is your boyfriend in social situations in general? As it is it's weird because not only did her boyfriend not invite her, but nobody else apparently asked if she was coming either? I hope the information in this article helps you narrow down what this may be. honestly, its just an excuse for a party. Make yourself known, make it known your not lying down, not letting them decide what your family is going to look like. It may not be the case for you, but your boyfriend may have some annoying family members. April 7, 2018, 4:40 pm, Sorry but that is unacceptable,unless she has harmed his family in some way which has not been claimed. We went out last weekend for my birthday with a few friends and I was happy and having a good time. I do understand not including them for dinner parties, etc. Get a new boyfriend. I think the situation is crappy but we really dont know enough from her letter to tell whether its her being crappy or the SIL (or his entire family). My step-siblings hated my mother, and for 30 years excluded me from family events in spite of my efforts to develop relationships and get along. Addie Pray Find someone that wants you at his birthday party. It takes the petty short view. It was October 2017, and Alyssa Lucido couldn't tell who, exactly, was being unreasonable. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. I believe he needs to break that cycle. January 15, 2013, 10:00 am. That made it even harder for me to understand why she hid her upcoming wedding from me. There are ways to deal with this feeling and make the best of the situation. Other readers also suggest the possibility that the husband is lying about her being invited, and that he wants to go to Chicago alone. This really has helped me think about the issue from different viewpoints. I am lucky that my husbands family is nice. In my defense, it was a surprise party. Skyblossom Well crazy enmeshed and un-trusting (is that a word?). Wow.So many comments.All I have to ask is what is the real backstory on you and his sister? Make you do all these thingsor even allow you to volunteer to do soand treat you like an uber driver? Oh you. Please bring this gift for me, and express that I was upset I wasnt invited. I am also a person that has a roller coaster relationship with my inlaws. January 15, 2013, 11:31 am. Bossy Italian Wife lets_be_honest But at least you would have ASKED. (You know that old saying that in order to have friends you first have to be one.) Its still the sting its meant to be, but the sting is losing its bite as the years pass and I am less concerned with their acceptance, refusing to have their disapproval of me be a reflection of who I am. It sounds like your inlaws are a problem. However, maybe you're confused about why you weren't invited, and can't really think of a reason. Theres no reason to put everybody out because youre turning _____ old. At least not in my experience! does your husband go to Chicago on business? DebMoore He needs to put me first and stand by me. But like I said in another comment, the only valid reasons I see for this big of a snub are stealing, physical violence, or cheatng with the SILs spouse. I dont think its wrong for the LW to want her husband to show some allegiance to her. He has two siblings - a brother and sister. I would leave his ass. January 15, 2013, 11:19 am. this will only become a wedge if the LW *makes* it a wedge, which is exactly what she seems to be doing here! But not all examples were parties, and if he feels awkward about his girlfriend being around his friends because of her age then he shouldnt be dating her, and OP deserves better than a grown man who is embarrassed of her. And for god sakes, these are your in-laws. January 15, 2013, 5:12 pm. Image credits Photo by Ins Castellano on Unsplash. They were acting childish in my opinion. January 15, 2013, 4:01 pm. . Just wait, LW will send in a clarification that she is a black Ethiopian Jew who campaigned for Obama and her husbands family is staunch Irish Catholic and anti-immigrant Republican birthers. ktfran I know that I am not perfect, but neither are they, yet, I have tried very hard to fit in because I really loved them and wanted to be a big part of his family. All of you have valid pointsBut sometimes, people are just pure evil.. Just because they wouldnt expect or request those things, doesnt mean its not normal to offer. Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? It Changes The Dynamic. (And he probably wouldnt need me to even ask.) so many fun possible conspiracy theories! You shouldn't feel discouraged by this. "What's this? There is obviously a reason why she wasnt invited and judging by the comments the LW made, I can see why. Thanks mom and dad. Its possible they all know, but it is possible they dont. Also, when things start coming into your marriage, its completely natural to have feelings about it one way or the other that you want your spouse to respect or at least consider. However, this doesn't seem like one of those times. January 15, 2013, 9:24 pm. Where would you draw the line though? I think the husband would be the real asshole in the situation AP described though. if its her/your husbands family well, be happy that you werent invited! But thats a simplistic reaction to an issue Im sure is multi-layered. Uhhhhhh some of my best friends in the world don't do big deal planning because too much planning stresses them out. 9. Props! January 15, 2013, 4:04 pm. And then pouts when some cant make it), lets_be_honest If the wife was invited to the SILs 35th birthday, got drunk, said some nasty things, and acted like a jerk I could understand the lack of invite for the 40th birthday. LW is really left with two basic choices: allow husband to implement his decision to attend without her with good grace from this point forward, or continue fighting with him about. Face. Red_Lady That sounds brilliant! lets_be_honest I asked if he wanted to watch the fight together, and he said he already made plans for the fight. Having the support of family members is incredibly important. This doesnt necessarily mean hes ashamed of you for being you. Id call her and say hey are we ok? (I don't bring my husband to parties for this very reason, although he is more of a "preacher at a whorehouse" partygoer. Even if my SO said he wouldnt bc of me, I still think Id tell him to go. Really? If we all got along, the world would be a pretty weird place. Of course it did. So don't resent anyone; carrying around negative energy never does any good anyway. January 15, 2013, 10:50 am. While I would never let my family starve, I would also not expect that they give up their time to do things for me that I should be capable of dealing with myself (ie. Everyone in the family you mean? January 15, 2013, 10:28 am. I do think this is totally unacceptable a married couple is a unit. If my love feels he must visit his awful sister, he is free to go with my best wishes Ill plan FUN things to do with friends, other family members, and grandchildren while hes gone! But its worth it. You did way too much for a party you weren't going to or even invited to. Otherwise, she might be as surprised as you were to find out you werent invited by your husband. But I just feel like I would have love to be included. bethany You just cant work him out. Turns out we have more in common than this blog posting. Maybe there's a little of that going on? Ok, buddy, now spill it. There could be a host of reasons for the invite, perhaps his friends think he's a @sshole for dumping you and by you turning up it'll look like like 'hey, she's cool with it'. Dear Wendy I think it would help to know why the LW wasnt invited. is really bizarre. It could be anywhere from a Facebook comment taken the wrong way to stealing money. January 15, 2013, 11:43 am. It's a going away party which is almost always a "more the merrier" type of party. lets_be_honest jlyfsh January 15, 2013, 11:01 am. You will thank me later. Theres not a clear-cut line, but hes going very far out of his way in this scenario. Why hasnt the husband asked his sister why you were left off of the invitation? I would ask your husband to privately talk with his sister about the issue in a non confrontational way and find out why she chose to not invite you. January 16, 2013, 9:10 am. But people have their own ways of doing things, and that's perfectly fine. Sponsored by Past Chronicles You've been using these items wrong every single day. If its the latter then you are just being petty and adding fuel to the fire. Youve never actually seen him in daylight because all your plans happen to be at night. LW, that youve already destroyed your own relationship with your sister in law but demanding now that your husband do the same? Why does her husband have to ask his sister why she wasnt invited, why cant the LW just grow some ladyballs and ask herself if it is such a big deal. thats a really, really shitty position to put someone in if this was a really important thing, id say that he should side with you, he did marry you after all- but its a freaking birthday party. If she was the affair that broke up her husbands previous marriage (which we dont know if there was one) and he has kids from that marriage who will be at the party then I can see his family refusing to invite her. But now i'm thinking of breaking up with my boyfriend due to our differences. 4. Ehh actually, I agree with Amybelle for the most part. My face probably doesn't go along with the dead bird You should ask him instead of keep this feeling with you. January 15, 2013, 9:53 am. Both choices are of course nuanced by the possibility of husband calling his sister and saying he would like his wife to be invited and asking why she wasnt. This summer my sister invited me on a trip with her but did not invite my fiance. jlyfsh If you go, treat it as you would the birthday of a friend you very much like: bring a card, buy them drinks,. I didnt know what I had done to these people! Does anyone remember the Dear Prudence where a woman was getting sick after eating at her MILs house every time and in a follow up switched the gravy tureens with her husband and then her HUSBAND got sick and blamed her for trying to poison him? Its not always easy. Sometimes, they might allude to this with other excuses. Its not longer a source of deep pain the way it was many years ago. I havent asked him to do that because I dont want to put him in that spot. You can't get mad at him for spending time with his friends, just like he doesn't have the right to get mad at you for hanging out with your friends in return. lets_be_honest They mostly did it when I was alone so I think that he thought that I was being too sensitive. In. Her husband has already decided to go over her objections. female lbh but it isnt an issue between 2 adults in the same standing, it is an issue between 2 families, and the husband is straddling the two. I was upset with him doing this to me many times. My boyfriend of about seven months planned a holiday vacation (to Morocco) without consulting me or considering me. Learn now grasshopper. i think that being upset is very valid and not weird, and then taking that and demanding that the husband not go, and then to say that it will wreck the integrity of your marriage are very different ways to go about this. Now that I know that the LW has not committed an offense that calls for being disinvited, I feel very sorry for her because she has a major problem with her husband. Not fine. Relevant questions: Did he ask you to help him shop or did you offer? It just seems less likely that your SIL has some completely unwarranted vendetta against you that your husband is fine with it. Total BS. Sorry, adults who make a big deal out of their birthday annoy me. I don't owe them the pleasure of my company., I just turned 60 and none of my family wished me happy birthday on Facebook. Fabelle ), 10 Signs Your Roommate Doesnt Like You! However, that's a lot of work for me to put in for a party I'm not going to. 17. I know you'll figure it out." New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. wendykh So he has more room for others than he has for me? Best of luck! What was your response when he said he didn't think you would want to go? While I cant promise its a simple reason why your boyfriend never invites you to family events, hopefully, you now feel much more confident about talking to him about it. I just want to say that in general, you shouldn't expect other people to behave the way you would behave. So ask him. I can only guess that I must have done something to offend her but Ive racked my brain and truly have no idea what it was. Talk to him let him know how hurt this has made you.Show him all thease comments.My final word is he should have your back no matter whattell him I said so. Visit Metro's Rush Hour Crush online every weekday at 4:30pm. You can't. You can invite your aunt and her husband but not cousins if you're not inviting other cousins. My husband is passive and allowed the abuse for many years. January 15, 2013, 10:29 am. They are selfish and manipulative. Im saying Im certain that at the very minimum, Husband, Sister and LW know why she wasnt invited, and I assume there was good reason. Trys to ignore me but he can't barely get it off. (Heres How to Handle It), 24+ Clean Comebacks for Bullies Thatll Make You Smile, Is My Boss a Narcissist Quiz (10 Questions to Help You Find Out! Likeyoure an adult! That being said, take my advice with the grain of bitter salt. She didnt even say Im not sure why his sister would do this she said its gone unaddressed which makes me think she knows EXACTLY why the SIL excluded her, and that its probably for a good reason. Also, storytime becausealthough its not totally similarI keep thinking about it: A few years ago, my uncle was dating this married woman. They are the ones who didnt invite his wife and put him in this awkward position. Vent to your close friends, if need be. bittergaymark Just bc you dont think birthdays are a big deal, why does everyone have to agree with that? 11. Whatever the reason, his exclusion signals youre not anintegral part of his emotional life. You Go Girl Its what I do. that those details were left out. ebstarr The LW sounds like she doesnt even care whether she goes to this birthday or not, just that her husband is going without her. Its not going to come across well if the LW calls the sister up and asks for an explination. SHE is his primary family now. What should I do? January 15, 2013, 1:39 pm. I feel like if anyone is going to say anything to her, it should be me. I am writing to you in the throes of what I would consider to be a very upsetting fight with my boyfriend. Dr. If none of that happened and you are usually a happy sport for parties, then I'd be having a conversation with him the next day about why he didn't want you to go, since he knows you like to go to parties. Just making a blanket statement thats what families do for each other is not true for all families. Kate B. GO PRE-SAVE MY NEW SONG: ON MY MINDhttps://distrokid.com/hyperfollow/levcameron/on-my-mindHey everyone it's Lev Cameron, @PiperRockelle boyfriend. I would take some quality me time and enjoy having the tv remote to myself, clean out some closets one day. January 15, 2013, 10:20 am. If something like this was going on with my husbands family, it would be the first thing out of my mouth, and he would be on the phone. My SIL is a wonderful person. I would then never have anything to do with him ever again. 2. You know those people you ask them what they would like to do for their birthday and they are silent then they pout and mope when a big party wasnt thrown. January 15, 2013, 10:06 pm. It isnt good for me and you are hurting medaily. Any event you arent invited to? This is completely cultural. LW, I think you should either flat out ask your husband what the f is going on or call your SIL and ask her what the f is going on. Now I usually dont have a problem with this, Im very aware we shouldnt spend our every moment together, and some things are left to be individual, like hanging out with friends off course, we dont need to share everything. Not because the LWs behavior is remotely okay it certainly isnt. January 23, 2013, 11:27 pm. January 15, 2013, 1:19 pm. LW, spill it!!!!! Leave marital advice to the pros, counsellors. Second of all, dont worry. Like I am a weak girlfriend. January 15, 2013, 10:22 am. First she is not letting her husband go. Im with GG that he should still maintain a relationship with his family, but traveling that far is way too much for an event his wife wasnt invited to. If it was every now and again, or planned nights out with a mix of friends every other Friday that he likes being alone at or whatever, sure. If he really thinks the reason she wasnt invited is valid, he needs to talk to her about her behavior. Probably the most likely reason. Some people were kind of cold, but everyone was polite and made an effort to re-include herMy point is, I never understood alienating or refusing to invite the significant other of a relative when it comes to family events unless said person is physically or emotionally abusive or prone to huge, drunken, racist tirades. Guess what that would do? Addie Pray Which might lead to mended fences, who knows? Was it a formal invitation through the mail addressed only to your husband? Do you think his love for me is fading? January 17, 2013, 4:11 pm. I'm going to stand here with a sour puss on my face until someone does SOMETHING about all this debauchery.") bittergaymark I have been married for 33 yrs and now that my husband has stopped talking to his family (which was 100% his idea after my BIL got in my face at a wedding) we have gotten so much closer. January 15, 2013, 12:06 pm. Usually no one is perfect and the fault will lie somewhere in the middle. You just proved why I never recommend dating people who have friends of the opposite sex, even more if those friends are single. A Its not life and death; its not a matter of never seeing someone again.